Sex’s Never Gonna be as Perfect, and Men Can be Raped Too

Last week I was catching up on the latest episode of Shameless and suddenly found that Debbie, a 14-year-old teenage girl who is ashamed of being a virgin and craving for sex, is finally losing her virginity. She is able to get Matty, a much older boy she always likes, drunk and trick him into bed (while remembering using a condom, so…good for her). Although she finally gets what she wants and thinks Matty will like it too, the result does not turn out well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGccqzh9PCI

Shameless is a show about a family living in Southern Chicago and their “messed up” life. The show is full of drinking, smoking, fighting, inappropriate sex...Fiona, the eldest sister, has to take care of the whole family because of their irresponsible parents. However, she is not a good example herself. She cheats on good guys, does drugs, even almost kills her baby brother by accidentally letting him take heroin. As a result, when she tries to persuade her younger sister, Debbie, to not rush into growing up or having sex, Debbie does not listen. Despite all the problems Fiona has, her attitude towards Debbie’s virginity loss is quite rational.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3qtuJTJROQ

According to Kelly, Fiona’s part in this episode is more of a management script, which emphasizes being safe and responsible (482). Fiona’s words, and the fact Debbie picks up a condom before she “rapes” Matty both send the message that, whenever you are having sex, do it with protection. Meanwhile, the depiction of Debbie in Shameless is a classic urgency script, which not only defines virginity as a stigma but links losing virginity to higher social status (482). Debbie sees losing virginity as a sign of grownup and therefore wants it badly. In my opinion, this episode contradicts the previous urgency scripts because Debbie is upset and confused after losing her virginity, showing that one can never end up well if they rush into having sex.

What is also worth looking at is how this episode of Shameless attempts to change the gender stereotype in the sense that some boys are not willing do everything to have sex while girls are not always the “victims.” Earlier in this episode Debbie claims that there is no point of being a virgin and “nobody cares when a guy loses it, but for some reason it is a huge deal for girls.” However, she is the one who does not care very much while her male counterpart keeps rejecting her because she is too young. Unlike the “typical” heterosexual relationships we see on TV, it turns out some guys do take sex seriously and care about feelings. It is even more interesting when Matty accuses Debbie for “raping” him. Normally when hearing about rape people would immediately assume it is the male's fault. However, it is not the case in this show, and it is certainly not the case in the real world.

Moreover, it gives somewhat a healthy sex education to teenagers who watch this show (despite all the other inappropriates it has) in terms of sexual harassment. An important boundary of having sex and raping is with or without consent. If one does not resist, it does not mean they agree because they could be unconscious. Nobody is supposed to do anything unless the other clearly says OK, because otherwise, “that’s biology, not consent.”

Virginity loss represented in Shameless reminds me of another episode of How I Met Your Mother, in which the main characters are trying to talk Robin’s sister, a 17-year-old girl into not having sex too soon by telling stories of how they lost their virginity. Lily and Marshall wanted to find a perfect timing and place to do it, but ended up in a dorm room on a bunk bed with their roommate sleeping on top. Ted lost his virginity to a girl who slept with him and never called him back, which also contradicts the gender stereotype in the sense that men can be “the victim” of sex. Robin almost lost her virginity to a boy who turned out to be gay, and Barney, who is the only one who encourages robin’s sister to have sex, ironically lost his virginity to his mom’s 45-year-old friend when he was 23.

The bottom line is, quote Lily: “It’s never gonna be as perfect as you want it to be.” I really like this quote because it is realistic. In other words, you do not have to put too many expectations on it. Just let it happen when it is right to happen. On the other hand, since losing virginity is never perfect, it will be even worse if you are not losing it to the right person. At the end of the show, Robin’s sister tells her boyfriend she wants to wait and he dumps her, which emphasis the statement that one should be careful and only lose virginity to someone they love.

From these two shows, I have found that media today tend to not have abstinence scripts or encourage urgency scripts. They like to use management scripts and put emphasis on safety and responsibility. Moreover, they tend to make the statement that one should only lose virginity to “the right person”, or even use this to test their “true love.” Nevertheless, many shows today are breaking stereotypes by representing different types of different genders, so that we can see having-sex-irresponsibly girls and being-dumped-after-sex boys on TV. 

Reference

Maura Kelly (2010) Virginity Loss Narratives in “Teen Drama” Television Programs, The Journal of Sex Research, 47:5, 479-489, DOI: 10.1080/00224490903132044