Sex’s Never Gonna be as Perfect, and Men Can be Raped Too

Last week I was catching up on the latest episode of Shameless and suddenly found that Debbie, a 14-year-old teenage girl who is ashamed of being a virgin and craving for sex, is finally losing her virginity. She is able to get Matty, a much older boy she always likes, drunk and trick him into bed (while remembering using a condom, so…good for her). Although she finally gets what she wants and thinks Matty will like it too, the result does not turn out well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGccqzh9PCI

Shameless is a show about a family living in Southern Chicago and their “messed up” life. The show is full of drinking, smoking, fighting, inappropriate sex...Fiona, the eldest sister, has to take care of the whole family because of their irresponsible parents. However, she is not a good example herself. She cheats on good guys, does drugs, even almost kills her baby brother by accidentally letting him take heroin. As a result, when she tries to persuade her younger sister, Debbie, to not rush into growing up or having sex, Debbie does not listen. Despite all the problems Fiona has, her attitude towards Debbie’s virginity loss is quite rational.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3qtuJTJROQ

According to Kelly, Fiona’s part in this episode is more of a management script, which emphasizes being safe and responsible (482). Fiona’s words, and the fact Debbie picks up a condom before she “rapes” Matty both send the message that, whenever you are having sex, do it with protection. Meanwhile, the depiction of Debbie in Shameless is a classic urgency script, which not only defines virginity as a stigma but links losing virginity to higher social status (482). Debbie sees losing virginity as a sign of grownup and therefore wants it badly. In my opinion, this episode contradicts the previous urgency scripts because Debbie is upset and confused after losing her virginity, showing that one can never end up well if they rush into having sex.

What is also worth looking at is how this episode of Shameless attempts to change the gender stereotype in the sense that some boys are not willing do everything to have sex while girls are not always the “victims.” Earlier in this episode Debbie claims that there is no point of being a virgin and “nobody cares when a guy loses it, but for some reason it is a huge deal for girls.” However, she is the one who does not care very much while her male counterpart keeps rejecting her because she is too young. Unlike the “typical” heterosexual relationships we see on TV, it turns out some guys do take sex seriously and care about feelings. It is even more interesting when Matty accuses Debbie for “raping” him. Normally when hearing about rape people would immediately assume it is the male's fault. However, it is not the case in this show, and it is certainly not the case in the real world.

Moreover, it gives somewhat a healthy sex education to teenagers who watch this show (despite all the other inappropriates it has) in terms of sexual harassment. An important boundary of having sex and raping is with or without consent. If one does not resist, it does not mean they agree because they could be unconscious. Nobody is supposed to do anything unless the other clearly says OK, because otherwise, “that’s biology, not consent.”

Virginity loss represented in Shameless reminds me of another episode of How I Met Your Mother, in which the main characters are trying to talk Robin’s sister, a 17-year-old girl into not having sex too soon by telling stories of how they lost their virginity. Lily and Marshall wanted to find a perfect timing and place to do it, but ended up in a dorm room on a bunk bed with their roommate sleeping on top. Ted lost his virginity to a girl who slept with him and never called him back, which also contradicts the gender stereotype in the sense that men can be “the victim” of sex. Robin almost lost her virginity to a boy who turned out to be gay, and Barney, who is the only one who encourages robin’s sister to have sex, ironically lost his virginity to his mom’s 45-year-old friend when he was 23.

The bottom line is, quote Lily: “It’s never gonna be as perfect as you want it to be.” I really like this quote because it is realistic. In other words, you do not have to put too many expectations on it. Just let it happen when it is right to happen. On the other hand, since losing virginity is never perfect, it will be even worse if you are not losing it to the right person. At the end of the show, Robin’s sister tells her boyfriend she wants to wait and he dumps her, which emphasis the statement that one should be careful and only lose virginity to someone they love.

From these two shows, I have found that media today tend to not have abstinence scripts or encourage urgency scripts. They like to use management scripts and put emphasis on safety and responsibility. Moreover, they tend to make the statement that one should only lose virginity to “the right person”, or even use this to test their “true love.” Nevertheless, many shows today are breaking stereotypes by representing different types of different genders, so that we can see having-sex-irresponsibly girls and being-dumped-after-sex boys on TV. 

Reference

Maura Kelly (2010) Virginity Loss Narratives in “Teen Drama” Television Programs, The Journal of Sex Research, 47:5, 479-489, DOI: 10.1080/00224490903132044

I Don't Mind...? Wait, Yes I Do.

We all go through phases of having a “favorite song.”  Whether it’s an oldie that sticks with you for years, or a one-hit wonder that gets overplayed on every radio station until your ears bleed, we all have songs that ultimately define different periods of our lives.  Currently, one of the top hits of today’s young adult culture has an opening chord that makes my roommates and me jump out of our seats wherever we are.  It is our number one song we listen to while exercising, dancing, walking to class, or even eating dinner, and it will absolutely remind us of our senior year of college forever.  Of course, none of us truly know the words to Usher and Juicy J’s “I Don’t Mind,” but we always pretend to sing along with jumbled vowels and gibberish.  We knew that it's a song about a man who doesn't mind if his girlfriend is a stripper, but we did not know much more than that. After reading Bader’s article “Love Will Steer the Stars” and Other Improbably Feats: Media Myths in Popular Love Songs (2007), I thought I’d take a closer look at the lyrics of my new favorite song to see if any of Bader’s media love myths were fulfilled.

 

Needless to say, I was horrified.  How could I be so obsessed with a song that not only promotes stripping, but also objectifies a woman’s body with lines such as, “Your body rock and your booty poppin’, I’m proud to call you my bitch?”  My draw physically dropped.

I predicted correctly that Myth 5 would dominate the song, as it draws on multiple aspects of the woman’s “perfect” body throughout various lyrics, but I also noted that Myth 6 had an underlying theme throughout the song.  The lyrics make it very clear that the man singing the lyrics has economic and physical dominance over the woman he is singing to and is supposedly in love with. I was truly shocked that this song narrates a man being in love with a woman despite the fact that she is stripper.

The way in which these myths are executed made me question how the word "love" is being portrayed in today’s media.  Bader (2007) explains that the media today is producing unrealistic expectations for love.  Originally, this made me think of my own hopeless romantic attitudes and my dreams of finding a true “soul mate.”  However, this song provides me with a new perspective on Bader’s theory.  Perhaps not only are these songs providing unrealistic expectations for love, but they are also providing unhealthy and degrading messages for women that are being portrayed through an idealized notion of getting a man to love you.  Perhaps there are deeper and more detrimental implications of these love myths in songs, such as encouraging “slutty” behavior as something that will make men fall in love with you.

As far as I'm concerned, messages like these are not what I want being portrayed to my daughter (or son for that matter) in the future.  I would want my daughter to understand the two-sidedness of falling in love and the healthy, strong ways that women can enable and sustain intimate relationships.  I am lucky that I understand and disregard the messages Usher sends to his audiences for the sake of a catchy tune and a hypnotic beat, however, those who aren't so lucky may listen to him.  Music has an enormous voice in the media and culture of society, so we should produce love songs that don't encourage women to strip in order to get a man to fall for you.

The opening chord of the song that may or may not signify my senior year of college will never be listened to the same...

Bader, Anne. "Love Will Steer The Stars and Other Improbable Feats: Media Myths in Popular Love Songs." Critical Thinking About Sex, Love, and Romance In The Mass Media. Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007. Print

Love Myths in Different Music Genres

After a long, pizza-filled Thursday night, I spent the majority of Friday on the couch. Watching TV got old after a while, so I decided to do some preparations for Spring Break. Of course, the first thing I did was create a Spotify playlist to get pumped up for a sun-filled week in Mexico. While compiling my eclectic list of Big Sean, AC/DC, and Florida Georgia Line, to name a few, I couldn't help but think about Bader's article "Love Will Steer the Stars" and comparing her findings to my own musical tastes. There were a couple striking points that really stood out to me when I was examining my playlist. First, I noticed how relatively few songs could be considered "love songs." Bader analyzed many songs from her own youth, which were problematic in terms of myths that they propagated, but were about romantic love. The songs on my playlist tend to range in their main messages, but although I listen to all kinds of genres, most of the songs had to do with drinking (country), sex (rap and classic rock), or dancing (EDM). It seems to me that songs could be limited lyrically by their genres. For example, I don't often hear Young Jeezy rhyme about love at first sight, and at the same time, I also don't hear Luke Bryan singing about a side bitch.
 

The second thing I began to think about was the application of Bader's "Love Myths" in the songs on my playlist that actually have to do with some form of love (love being a very loose term here). A few of these songs include "Your Love" by The Outfield, "Only a Country Girl" by Chase Rice, and "Best I Ever Had" by Drake. As these songs are from a Spring Break playlist, they all are well-known and were popular at one time or another. They also all contain some of the myths that Bader found in the love songs of the 60's and 90's, which I expected. What I did not anticipate, however, was the fact that the myths that all three songs shared were the myths of the necessity of a beautiful woman and great sex. These songs are all from different genres, and different eras, yet "Your Love" says "Josie's on a vacation far away/ Come around and talk it over/ So many things that I wanna say/ You know I like my girls a little bit older/ I just wanna use your love tonight," "Only a Country Girl"'s Chase Rice sings "She turns every head when she walks by...She can turn me on like only a country girl can," and Drake croons "Sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no makeup on/ That's when you're the prettiest...You the best I ever had." When I noticed this trend in the music that I listen to, I realized the messages that I've been subliminally feeding myself, and it made me kind of sad. These myths have continued to be present in music for decades, and are really unrealistic for real relationships. I think it's time someone makes a hit love song about a realistic, everyday relationship.

Bader, Anne. "Love Will Steer The Stars and Other Improbable Feats: Media Myths in Popular Love Songs." Critical Thinking About Sex, Love, and Romance In The Mass Media. Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2007. Print

Gossip Girl Takes on Virginity

     Thanks to Netflix, it is easier than ever to binge watch show after show. Maybe it is the great soundtrack or the disgustingly excessive displays of wealth, but I frequently come back to Gossip Girl when I want to do anything other than homework. In season 1, episode 7 of Gossip Girl, the teenage queen of the Upper East Side, Blair Waldorf, loses her virginity to (spoiler) her boyfriend's best friend, Chuck, in the back of a limo. A few episodes later, she sleeps with her boyfriend in an attempt to fix their crumbling relationship.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsGtIG0CeZc

     Aside from being heterosexual intercourse after the age of 16, Blair's virginity loss narrative falls short of Maura Kelly's definition of appropriate virginity loss under the management script and she is punished appropriately. According to Kelly, "Virginity-loss narratives following the management script employed the following set of themes: (a) virginity loss as a rite of passage, (b) emphasis on 'appropriate' virginity loss (e.g., the teenager is at least 16, is in a monogamous romantic relationship, uses contraception, and discusses sex with an adult), and (c) positive consequences when sex is 'appropriate' and negative consequences when sex is 'inappropriate.'" Blair's negative consequences begin immediately after she sleeps with Chuck, but come to a climax in episode 13 when her best friend is caught buying pregnancy tests by the infamous Gossip Girl blogger. While at first her friend covers for her, Chuck soon sends in an anonymous tip to the blogger that the pregnancy test is for Blair and that she had slept with multiple men within the past week. For having inappropriate sex, Blair feels instant regret, loses her boyfriend, experiences a pregnancy scare and a baby daddy crisis, and public embarrassment. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) Blair's now ex-boyfriend and Chuck remain friends after a very short fight, which may demonstrate how inappropriate sex is not as much of an issue for men who are often portrayed as unable to control themselves. This is especially true for Chuck, who sleeps with just about every woman on Gossip Girl.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lyc3Vzp0hs

     After our discussion of Kelly's article "Virginity Loss Narratives in 'Teen Drama' Television Programs," I realized that Gossip Girl wraps up its virginity loss narratives and the idea of appropriate sex perfectly according to the management script. Although Blair goes on to sleep with other men and even get married to another man, in the end she ends up marrying and starting a family with Chuck. Another main character, Dan, also loses his virginity in the first season, only to end up married to the girl he lost it to in the final episode.

References

(2007). In Gossip Girl. New York City: The CW.

Kelly, M. (2009). Virginity Loss Narratives in "Teen Drama" Television Programs. The Journal of

     Sex Research, 47(5), 479-489.

Women are meant to please?

As I was leaving the theater after watching the movie Gone Girl I found myself wrapped up in the story's plot. What kind of woman spends all that time plotting her own fake murder? But as I began replaying scenes over and over in my head it all made sense. The entire movie reflects back to the main character Amy’s perspective on her relationship with her husband. The movie made her out to be this crazy women who fakes her own death, pretends she got raped, and then proceeds to kill the man who she claims “raped” her (which I have to say is very psychotic). But what is the purpose of this movie? To show that women are crazy? I don’t think that was the purpose at all. The reason this movie left me feeling so confused was because it was actually about a women who felt as if she was not good enough for her husband. As if their marriage was failing because she was not able to live up to these expectations that all men like Nick (her husband) expect women to live up to. She was so crazed and obsessed with the idea of being “the cool” girlfriend that she forget what it was like to act normal around her boyfriend. She thought she needed to be innocent and calm, while providing her husband with exotic, spontaneous sex all the time. She thought that by being the perfect women for her husband, in turn she would receive endless love, when in reality all she had was a husband who was sleeping around with another women.  Following is the trailer to Gone Girl:

 

The whole aspect of this movie intrigued me because I found that these expectations of women are deeply woven in our society and do seem extremely relevant. In the article “Can Women Have Sex like a Man?”: Sexual Scripts in Sex and the City by Gail Markle, she talks about the scripts that are typically found of women and men and whether those scripts hold to be true. In the article Markle lays out the scripts of men and women, “The typical sexual script for men includes the active pursuit of sexual partners, peer validation of sexual activity, inability to control sexuality once aroused, and sex undertaken solely for the sake of pleasure (Frith and Kitzinger 2001, p. 214). The typical sexual script for women, on the other hand, includes waiting to be chosen instead of pursuing a partner, feeling affection or love, and a wish to please men”. When I read these I completely agreed with her. In my life from what I have heard from men, they imply that they want a women who is innocent, hasn’t slept with many men, cool with the guys, tough, emotionless, and a freak in the bedroom. It seems as if men have this specific perception of women, and if we don’t live up to those expectations it is somehow our fault and we are the ones who should be punished for it. Scripts in society imply that women are the ones who should be pleasing a man, and should be living up to a man’s expectations; which is exactly what Markle refers to in her article in which she uses Sex and the City to compare these typical scripts and show how they are laid out in the TV series to comply as well as contradict these typical scripts.

In Gone Girl these typical scripts are played out by Amy and she ends up finding her husband having an affair. Why is all the pressure put on women to act a certain way while it is justified for men to have an affair because they are unsatisfied with the way their woman is acting? Yet the moment a woman shows that she is upset or doubting a relationship she is told that she is overreacting, crazy, so emotional, and acting like a “huge girl”. That’s why I find this movie so intriguing because it raises these concerns presented in women and completely makes the woman go psychotic while secretly revealing that the man in the relationship has used stereotypical scripts to justify his actions.

This movie obviously completely exaggerates the effects of such scripts but I think it is important to acknowledge that society has created certain traits of men and women that enable unethical actions to be justifiable. For example the fact that it is seen as acceptable for men to sleep with many women yet a man would never want to be with a women who has gotten around. At the same time men want a woman who they can claim all to themselves and who many other man have not been able to call theirs, while on the flip side they want their woman to be a slut for them in bed. And while this sounds crazy, women tend to abide by these guidelines and still try to please their man, and in turn some get enjoyment out of it. I think if our society’s morals and values were more evenly split then it would be a pleasurable experience to cater your man/woman. But when all the pressure is placed on women to be the “cool”, drama free, eye candy for their man, then it is a little more difficult to spend so much energy on being the perfect womanly figure for a man that every man seems to crave and search.

 

References:

Markle, G. (2008.).  Can Women Have Sex Like a Man?”: Sexual Scripts in Sex and the City. Volume 12, Issue 1, pp 45-57

 

"Freaks and Geeks", Media Myths, and Heterosexual Scripts

While re-watching "Freaks and Geeks" (1999, sadly aired for just one season), I started thinking about how the heterosexual scripts and media myths applied to the show. "Freaks and Geeks" is an interesting media example because it seems to both support and reject a lot of the scripts and myths that we've read about.

One of the main relationships that occurs throughout the show is between Sam Weir and Cindy Sanders. Sam is part of a group of friends that are "geeks", and has been infatuated with Cindy for a long time. Cindy is a tall, popular, cheerleader, and Sam fantasizes about a relationship with her. The interactions he has with her fall into many of the media myths identified by Galician in the Bader reading. In the show, he more or less falls in "love at first sight" (myth 2), believes that she will fulfill his needs and making his dreams come true (myth 10), and despite never having any substantial conversations with her, seems to believe their love is meant to be (sort of myth 9). This video clip is a great compilation of their relationship for the majority of the first season:

 

Yet "Freaks and Geeks" refutes some of these myths as well. Sam is shorter, less popular, younger, and nerdier than Cindy (anti-myth 6), but the two enter into a relationship later in the season. Their relationship raises Sam's social status to hanging out with the rest of Cindy's cheerleader/football player clique, and it seems great at first. As their relationship continues, however, reality sets in and they head for turmoil.

The show addresses the real differences between the typical true love ideal by showing the reality of Sam and Cindy's relationship. Sam begins to realize that he's unhappy with Cindy—she's "boring". only wants to "make out and stuff", and forces him to hang out with her friends, who he finds strange. In an effort to patch up their relationship, he takes her to one of his favorite movies, but she calls it "stupid" and unfunny. He even gives her a family heirloom as a gift, but she rejects it because it's ugly and wasn't expensive.

Sam consults with his sister Lindsey afterwards, asking her why he didn't like Cindy. "What's wrong with me? She's so pretty, how come I don't like her?" Lindsey replies, "Sam, just because a girl's pretty doesn't mean she's right for you". Sam also speaks to his friends about breaking up with her, and they don't understand it because she's "the prettiest girl in school". There's often an implied relationship between attractiveness and good character in television shows, but "Freaks and Geeks" goes against that by showing the two are not necessarily correlated.

Sam and Cindy's relationship is, in many ways, the opposite of the heterosexual scripts described in the Kim article. Sam, the more inexperienced of the two, takes on the sexual gate-keeper role by slowing Cindy down when she wants to kiss him. He dislikes getting a hickey from her and is uncomfortable with displaying it on his neck, whereas she wants him to show them off. In addition, Cindy is the more dominant of the two and initially is the one who chooses Sam, as seen in the clip below, rather than being pursued by him.



"Freaks and Geeks" is a great media example of a show that challenges the typical heterosexual scripts with the relationship between Sam and Cindy. It starts out following the myths of true love and love at first sight, but then deals with the real consequences and reality of a mis-matched couple whose relationship isn't based on any type of substance.

Readings:

Bader, A. (2007). Love Will Steer The Stars and Other Improbable Feats: Media Myths in Popular Love Songs. In M. Galician & D. Merskin (Eds), Critical Thinking about Sex, Love, and Romance in the Mass Media (141-157). Mahwah, New Jersey: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Kim, J.L., Sorsoli, C.L., Collins, K., Zylbergold, B.A., Schooler, D., & Tolman, D.L. (2007). From sex to sexuality: Exposing the heterosexual script on primetime network television. Journal of Sex Research, 44(2), 145-157.

Safe Sex and PayChecks-- Can rap songs promote both positive and negative themes?

I thought this song was quite interesting when I first heard it. While it is not common to hear rap songs that intertwine both entertainment and a PSA-- this song proves that it is definitely possible. During our last class session, I attempted to code this song according to the codes used by Bader in the study 'Love will steal the stars' .  This song is not about love at all really. It's more about going out and having a good time. 
However, sex is one thing that most young adults seem to be most curious about in addition to other aspects of love. This song in opinion helps to promote a more positive view sex. Sex is discretely or explicitly talked about in many love songs across all genres.  Many times, rap verses will contain references to other things. Here are is one lyric I decided to dig deeper into,

"I even let your bitch keep the gold bottle, gold pack, no Lifestyle"

-- Gold pack meaning he is referring to the Magnum XL Trojan condom, distinguishable by their gold color. Lifestyle is another condom brand, though not very popular because they have the reputation for being small and uncomfortable. 
--> I found this lyric interesting because Lifestyles are the free condoms typically handed out from sex resources places. In Fall of 2013, I agreed to be videotaped and was interviewed at the Career Fair by a group of girls who represented  a group on campus (whose name I cannot recall). They were handing out condoms and free sex info, and asking individuals about their condom preferences. Their goal was to have UHS offer free Trojans, instead of only Lifestyles. While it is true that men with large penises wear XL condoms, these condoms are more expensive in general, and usually not free.

In my opinion, this lyric agrees with Bard's Love myth #11 "In real life, actors and actresses are often very much like the romantic characters that they portray (p.159). The lyrics may not be per se accurate of the rapper. But most entertainers don't portray their actual, but nevertheless I believe it promotes a positive message.
I refer you to rap genius if you are interested in looking more into the lyrics, it breaks down the meanings/slangs phrases lyric by lyric

http://genius.com/4686602/Rae-sremmurd-safe-sex-pay-checks/Yeah-gold-pack-no-lifestyle

Chorus
"Bottles on bottles, free shots for everybody
Got enough for everybody, we crankin' up the volume
Turn the music up louder, get loose and move your body
Get loose and move your body, we crankin' up the volume

Safe sex, and paychecks
That's what it's all about, don't forget about
Safe sex, and paychecks"